Clearing my Worktable

I recently de-cluttered my worktable, previously known as ‘the project graveyard’.

I stand and look at it now: clean and organized. I found drill bits I thought lost, receipts from Lowes, a mass of sticky goo from something forgotten. To the delight of my aspiring mechanic/son, I found a duplicate ratchet set which now graces his worktable next to mine. And alas! I found peace of mind – having resolved a tangled mess that physically represents a deep guilt complex.

I found room – on the table, underneath on the shelves and internally in my mind – somehow the cleaned organized work station makes my chest less cluttered. I noticed an slight expansion (‘I finally did something about that’) and a inspiring sense of breathing (‘that’s one less thing nagging me’).

But oddly, I also noticed a retraction.

Yes, I definitely feel good about my clean workspace, but then, oddly, I feel this weird subliminal fear. I would brush it off, but I’ve noticed this before: when I’ve cleaned out a closet, completed an overdue task or reconciled with a friend. Often, actually very often – relief is followed by anxiety.

The anxiety is different than the stress over my messy table. The stress produced irritability (‘why is everything so hard?’) or self-contempt (‘what’s wrong with me?’). But the anxiety produces un-ease and is disturbing. I think I know why.

You see, the stress of my unresolved pile distracts me. It pulls my attention to problems that are familiar and possibly solvable. But when I clear the worktable and see all that space, a memory is triggered of the space within me. Like my worktable, that internal space is broad and full of promise. But unlike my worktable, I cannot see the edges of my inner space. It is not familiar, I do not know what to do with it.

And I realize, as I stand before worktable, that I rarely stand before my vast inner plateau. I am too busy with irritability or self-judgment. I wonder. Do I unconsciously create stress in my outer world in order to avoid responsibility for my inner world?

And I also wonder, if I were to brave this initial anxiety… and entered that space…which is given to me… would I find a similar expansion in my chest as I do when I cleaned my worktable? Would I find, in that given space, a lighter kind of air?

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